The Golden Rule – “I have the gold so I make the rules”

GiftDid you know that for the most part money can only buy three things – status, security and power. Most of what you are buying, outside of the necessities like paying to fill your car, is one of those three things. All of us relate strongly to one of those three and then we have a second and the third barely exists.

Abusive men usually have the profile of buying power first. When you buy a Rolex you are the status type. If you buy a Fossil instead you are the security type and when you buy another person a Rolex you have just bought yourself power.

Abusive men understand the power of money extremely well and abused women (in fact most woman) are under no illusions about who runs the show. The Golden Rule is well-known in most homes but is shoved down the throat of abused women.

Unsuccessful abusers (and there are many) manipulate women by expecting them to use their money on his status symbols, and on the holidays of his choice.

The favorite game is the birthday present –  that is always declared inadequate and in its “inadequacy” lies the proof that she does not love him enough. That so-called fact causes women weeks of misery after the birthday.

“Shelley” is a person who definitely links money to security and is very cautious with money. She loves having a savings account and takes pleasure in those deposits. She decided that having been in deep trouble every year for four years for failing to produce an adequate birthday present, she would break with her norm and splash out. Having little confidence in her taste she consulted several friends and even their husbands to check the “correctness” of this gift. It apparently ticked all the boxes and she bought it. For good measure she booked a table at a restaurant with an impeccable reputation (for her account). This took at least five months of savings by the way.

The day of the birthday dawned and for the first time in years she was excited instead of apprehensive.  This time she was sure she had it right. Well, apparently not. His response to his leather jacket was lukewarm at best. The restaurant booking was given to him as a beautifully made invitation. While she was getting ready for work he walked in snarling. He shoved it in her face and said, “As you can get nothing right, please do nothing –it’s less painful for me”.

Shelley sat in her car with the oil pooling on the ground underneath it, crying. Her relationship was costing her money she could ill afford and yet she didn’t seem able to break away. Why was she trying harder instead of leaving? Why had she given in to his demand and made his birthday more important than her car repair? What was she to say to her friends when they phoned to ask if he had “loved” his present? Why was she going to lie and say he had been amazing?

How I wish I could answer that in a paragraph or a page. On 11th November will launch a self-help study guide/manual. You will get a private tutor who will help you work through the myriad of issues caught up in those questions. Lets us help you because we can. Best of all – no-one need know.

Author, foodie, political junkie and currrently writing a series for children, giving bible stories a much needed makeover, free from religious dogma. Author of Hot Cuisine, a book written on men and food and co-wrote When Loving Him Hurts and The Affair.

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Posted in abuse, codependency, domestic violence, healing, relationships

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