When a man tells you who he is – believe him!

dating-tips When we meet some-one who is wildly attractive and the mating game is on, it’s so easy to get swept up in the thrill of “the beginning”. In this madly exciting beginning we can think of nothing other than how fortunate we are to have met him, how fabulous he is and what will I wear tonight. Suddenly the diet isn’t daunting and our step has the distinct strut that belongs to the woman in infatuation. Life is beautiful and love is real and the world is our oyster.

Philosophers say that infatuation is bred in ignorance of the reality. In the absence of knowledge we are given the latitude to apply our fantasies. He is the man of our dreams because the vast gaps in our knowledge is a breeding ground for fantasy. Not completely true!!!

Many women describe what actually happened during the first few dates and had they been willing to read –not between the lines – but the actual lines, they would have known whatever they needed to know about who he was.

“Before I met my third husband I promised myself that I would never again date a man who drank excessively or used any recreational drugs. I was done with that. Finally I had met a man who was “clean-living” and romantic and best of all, he was in touch with his feelings. That was my commentary.

The facts were somewhat different. On our first date he called his ex-wife his soul mate and within the next half hour said he didn’t love her. Contradiction? On the way to the restaurant he told me about a long-standing sexual relationship he and his wife shared with an “other”. That should have been unnerving! Their marriage failed because she was gay and he merely endured this peculiar “arrangement”. Their marriage lacked passion.  A lot of very intimate information for a first date?? Then when we talked about his children he began to cry. Yes, he cried big crocodile tears. Is this being in touch with your feelings or is this too much emotion for masculinity? Within a few weeks he cancelled an arrangement with me at the last minute and when I confronted him on his behavior he told me I was lying. Well does that sound familiar?

I could have known everything I needed to know. I later found out that the night before we got married he signed up on a kinky sex web-site and began a secret life that was to be exposed to my horror much later. Of course their marriage lacked passion because aberrant sexual behavior was his secret life. Clean-living!!! He made the alcoholics and drug abusers look like pre-schoolers when it came to aberrations and dishonesty.  He was completely without boundaries and told everyone everything when it made him look good but lived a life of lies in reality.

Privacy of any description was an unknown factor for him or his children and boundaries were non-existent. He cried often until it became repulsive. Most of all he folded in the face of any issue with his children. He spent our marriage ingratiating himself to teenagers who showed not an ounce of respect for him or me but he was completely terrified of risking their disfavor in any way. Masculinity factor zero. Ironically it was his own mother who warned me that I should be careful about trusting him because he was known to be economical with the truth. This is the man who accused me of lying about whether or not we had an arrangement. Everything I needed to know was on the table within weeks but I ignored all of it.

Author, foodie, political junkie and currrently writing a series for children, giving bible stories a much needed makeover, free from religious dogma. Author of Hot Cuisine, a book written on men and food and co-wrote When Loving Him Hurts and The Affair.

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Posted in abuse, codependency, domestic violence, healing, relationships
5 comments on “When a man tells you who he is – believe him!
  1. DotedOn says:

    I still don’t get why we ignore the facts sometimes 🙂


  2. For a variety of reasons. We don’t want anything to interfere with our version of reality. As long as we can live in make believe we can believe we can make it better. We also hang onto “happily ever after” no matter what. When we no longer deny reality we ask ourselves better questions and get better answers. Hope this anwers your question.
    Warm wishes.


  3. Perceived love is a very powerful thing. As Philippa points out in the fairy tale post, we are all brought up to believe in romance. If anything mildly distorts that belief, it is human nature to ignore it. It’s a natural human tendency – not abnormal but needs to change. Posts like this given everyone an opportunity to reflect objectively on these issues. Great job, Philippa!


  4. Thank you. We so appreciate your comment.


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