You don’t deserve him!

Sue beach There is nothing like infidelity to play havoc with our insecurities and sense of self-worth. Our knee jerk response to the bitter pill of betrayal is that we are going to throw him out, reject him and stand tall in our righteous indignation. Hot on the heels of that is our fear of being alone and the bigger fear that he has found someone better.

“How could you have done this to me after everything I’ve done for you?”

That has to be the universal wail of a wounded woman. It is of course a question to which there is no answer. It is also the question that signals our defeat. The moment we ask the question instead of head for the door is the moment we’ve elected to stay.

Why is infidelity not the deal breaker we believed it would be? Most wounded women fear that the next woman will get him at his best. The next woman stands to benefit from all the suffering we have endured. The next woman is the one who will have the fun, the laughter and the love. We won’t make space for her, we won’t step aside and we won’t step out because everything we believe she’s going to get is just beyond our reach. This reminds me of Shirley Eskapa’s book, Woman Versus Woman where she did a study on women whose husband’s had affairs. In every case, the women immediately competed with each other, and never stopped to think if the man was worth fighting over.

The wounded woman believes that she deserves better, worked for it, strived for it, waited for it and now wants it. The co-dependent will readily return to the work station preparing to double her efforts to prove her worthiness. Despite her best efforts the beast will remain the beast. The wounded woman will continue to feel short-changed and under appreciated and the Universe will continue to fail to deliver him up.


“Thankfully the law of the Universe remains intact. We get what we deserve and a good woman does not deserve an abusive man. Fortunately she won’t be allowed to have him.


I was married to not one abuser, not two, but three. I fled from South Africa and from an extremely violent and traumatic marriage to a very well-known Johannesburg personality and resolved to learn a lesson and be more careful next time. In America I met a man who, on the surface, was everything that my second husband was not. Until I owned her own contribution to the dance of abuse I was destined to repeat the pattern. My story exists as proof of this. I am driven to help abused women as I know all too well what it feels like to be misunderstood and ashamed of my inability to let go of a relationship that was killing me. “It’s like wanting to hug a shark – why on earth would anyone do that?” I understand because I have been there, emerged damaged and broken from there and then – heaven forbid – went back! I know what it feels like to yearn for the love of a man who pulled out your hair, spat in your face and tried to choke you. I know what it feels like to tell people you are back there and watch their faces and see them thinking, “then you deserve what you get!” By telling my story, I hope to lift the veil of shame off abuse and encourage women to do the same. Un-silencing the voice is where true healing begins.

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Posted in abuse, codependency, domestic violence, healing, love, obsession, relationships, Uncategorized

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