“I don’t need him to live” – An inspirational letter

Glasses We receive many letters from women, some in crisis, some at the beginning stages of healing and some who have recovered.

Tracy sent a letter this morning and with her permission I am posting it. I love what she wrote about the man she is now in love with and how she would be if he was no longer in her life. Her letter is a magnificent example of recovery.

The photograph of glasses is deliberate. Whenever Sue makes her Dream Maker collages, (see blog post October 3, 2014) she always includes a photograph of eyes to symbolise insight. Tracy’s insights are inspirational.

Dec 21, 2014

Dear Philippa,

I know that you probably wouldn’t remember speaking with me, but why would you? I was a tech support agent assisting you with backing up your information. You talk to a lot of people and an anonymous voice on the phone can get lost. While your photos were backing up we shared about ourselves and connected.
There were parts of your story that were mirror like for me. I saw the things I allowed myself to be put through. I felt the fear, heartbreak, and need for the person who hurt me. I understood. It almost felt like more than a connection. It felt like a sisterhood. I imagine that people who share similar traumatic experiences form deeper connections.
When I spoke to you the timing was amazing. It was a point in my life when I had turned things around. It was the point when I was no longer a victim of abuse since childhood, I was a survivor and I was growing from that. I was not going to allow that to happen to me again.
My change in life was drastic and fast and I’ve been successful with it for over a year now. When we spoke I was in a fairly new relationship and honestly, I was terrified. He was so good. He treated me so nicely. I spent the first 6 months of our relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting for the monster I was sure he’d become.
I’m beginning to understand 9 months into our relationship that this isn’t something you ever really “heal” from, the addiction to the ups and downs, the apologizing for things you have nothing to do with. It’s something you always hold a tiny part of because you can’t let it happen again. Fortunately, Alex is a patient man and after a long talk about my past and the ways I’d been hurt he is even more patient. More importantly, I am happy going on in my life realizing I don’t need him and if I so choose I am desirable. I can be chosen by someone else because I am worth something. He’s happy with the fact that I don’t need him. I don’t need him to live but I want him to be a part of my life.
I’m sure I’m rambling some here. My point really is that when we spoke although you weren’t screaming from the rooftops you helped me. You touched someone. I’m no longer afraid to love someone because of how someone else harmed me and abused that love. Thank you for that.
Sincerely,
Tracy

 

 

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I was married to not one abuser, not two, but three. I fled from South Africa and from an extremely violent and traumatic marriage to a very well-known Johannesburg personality and resolved to learn a lesson and be more careful next time. In America I met a man who, on the surface, was everything that my second husband was not. Until I owned her own contribution to the dance of abuse I was destined to repeat the pattern. My story exists as proof of this. I am driven to help abused women as I know all too well what it feels like to be misunderstood and ashamed of my inability to let go of a relationship that was killing me. “It’s like wanting to hug a shark – why on earth would anyone do that?” I understand because I have been there, emerged damaged and broken from there and then – heaven forbid – went back! I know what it feels like to yearn for the love of a man who pulled out your hair, spat in your face and tried to choke you. I know what it feels like to tell people you are back there and watch their faces and see them thinking, “then you deserve what you get!” By telling my story, I hope to lift the veil of shame off abuse and encourage women to do the same. Un-silencing the voice is where true healing begins.

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Posted in abuse, codependency, domestic violence, gratitude, healing, love, marriage, obsession, relationships
3 comments on ““I don’t need him to live” – An inspirational letter
  1. Thank you for sharing her story. An inspiration that goodness is out there. Meghan

    Liked by 1 person

  2. venus says:

    Sue and Phillipa are divine angels to us all…thank you. The most important thing is to LEARN to love yourself because the abuse leaves you with a shattered self esteem and alone. venus( south Africa)

    Like

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