Dumped again?

Lions head Sue just sent me this blog to post but I insisted it needed an intro. Whenever she sends them I sit back in awe at what she produces. I like most of you, am often thrilled to dump the year but after reading what she wrote, it gave me pause. It has also given me the opportunity to tell you a little about her.

She asks a number of questions in this blog – what have we learned this year, who was important and have we told them?

When Sue visited me in the Berkshires in August, it can only be described as a life changing event. She told me that she enjoys living an invisible life but there is nothing invisible how she lives it. She lives according to a belief system and a set of values that makes living and decision making simple. She writes about them in our book where a section is dedicated to this and worth reading and re-reading.

  • I learned from her how living with integrity is the only way to live even when it’s expensive (another Sue saying).
  • I learned from her that when people do not behave according to these values, it’s easy to let them go.
  • I learned from her that words are valuable and now I treasure them.
  • I learned from her to listen to what people tell me and not slip on the cloak of denial.
  • I learned from her patience; When we live a life of integrity things always change for the better.
  • I learned from her, “Summer always follows winter no matter how bitter the winter”
  • I learned from her the power of silence.
  • I learned from her the value of allowing people to underestimate me.
  • I learned from her how to value what is valuable and to let go what isn’t.
  • I learned from her that every great work of art starts off in imagination
  • I learned from her how to trust the Universe, my partner of infinite intelligence
  • I learned from her that nature and life have perfect timing.
  • I learned from her to no longer be grateful to be chosen and instead be the chooser.
  • I learned from her the value of friendship.

Sue SA Let’s see New Year as a bend on the road – the time that you can no longer see last year’s problems in the rear view mirror. It’s a time of rebirth and like all births it requires preparation.

But before you attend to the new road map, what of the old one? Go back to January and write down all the important events of your year. For example, in January I had a successful surgery and am grateful to these very skilled people who have mastered the art of surgery. Without one of them I would still look like a bull frog when I cough and once again I stand in awe of mankind and what some of us have managed to master. February reminds me of Valentine’s Day and with it some wonderful ideas on romance and how it changes colour and format with age but never disappears. The trees of the Berkshires and the sight of a mocking bird must find their way to the page. Once you have been through each month of the year you will begin to see that your life was significant this year as it was every other year and doesn’t deserve to be packed away without a backward glance.

What did you learn this year? I learnt to stop micro-managing my family and own up to being too controlling. I learnt to “be still” and stop fretting over things about which I have no control. To “be still” requires trust in an unknown future and for a control junkie, an unknown anything is not easily trusted. I have grown to understand that my primary thought in a relationship with a man is that it will have an unhappy ending. “I am no good at relationships

I entertain the ending at the beginning”.

I can change that and in so doing I can nurture a new future without old and tired themes.

Write down everything that you learnt and while you are doing that you will see much that you desire to learn in the next year. Who was important in your year and have you told them? Appreciation is never too much to ask for and gratitude is grace. If some-one made an important contribution to your life make sure to tell them and if some-one disappointed you make sure never to be that person to some-one else. While you are sifting through the wonderful and awful of your year, make a note to show up for your people next year. Sometimes we have a year of pruning and the loss is significant. Take the time to let them go properly and wish them well while you do. Release the grudges and the disappointment so that you are light when you begin your new road trip.

Take time to value the year that you have had before you turn your nose north. Be ready to say Happy New Year and mean it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I was married to not one abuser, not two, but three. I fled from South Africa and from an extremely violent and traumatic marriage to a very well-known Johannesburg personality and resolved to learn a lesson and be more careful next time. In America I met a man who, on the surface, was everything that my second husband was not. Until I owned her own contribution to the dance of abuse I was destined to repeat the pattern. My story exists as proof of this. I am driven to help abused women as I know all too well what it feels like to be misunderstood and ashamed of my inability to let go of a relationship that was killing me. “It’s like wanting to hug a shark – why on earth would anyone do that?” I understand because I have been there, emerged damaged and broken from there and then – heaven forbid – went back! I know what it feels like to yearn for the love of a man who pulled out your hair, spat in your face and tried to choke you. I know what it feels like to tell people you are back there and watch their faces and see them thinking, “then you deserve what you get!” By telling my story, I hope to lift the veil of shame off abuse and encourage women to do the same. Un-silencing the voice is where true healing begins.

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Posted in abuse, codependency, domestic violence, gratitude, healing, love, obsession, relationships

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