WHEN LOVING HIM HURTS published by Jacana Media

 “We cannot see what we don’t understand. Finally a book about abuse that blazes a path through the complex dynamics of domestic violence and helps the one who is being hurt to look at herself – with compassion and tough love. To be strategic and smart. To choose herself.

This fairy tale busting, no-bullshit, no judgement gem of a book brings together the collaborative genius of a brilliant therapist and a courageous survivor of abuse and offers stories, strategies and solutions to one of the most misunderstood and intractable of human predicaments: when a woman loves a man who hurts her.

Compelling, insightful and utterly liberating. I wanted to stand and cheer when I finished reading it.

This book will save lives”. 

– Joanne Fedler, international best-selling author and women’s rights activist

“By sharing her painful journey and those of other women who have endured pain and shame, Philippa Sklaar provides remarkable insight, guidance and hope for anyone trapped in an abusive relationship.

When Loving Him Hurts is a beautiful and poignant reminder that everyone has options”.

Nadia Bilchik
CNN Editorial Producer
Author. Speaker and President of Greater Impact Communication.

Robert interview

Speaking out for Jane Laut ‪#‎voiceforjane‬, Philippa Sklaar (author of When Loving Him Hurts). End domestic violence. Thank you Philippa for a moving interview!!! Get involved:

Judith Mancini


Canadian paper











“I was privileged to hear two of Philippa’s talks on domestic violence and abusive relationships.

Philippa is an inspirational lady who connects with her audience, as she weaves elements of her own journey, with information on how to identify abusive relationships, as well as practical strategies and tools that can be used for self-awareness and healing.

On both occasions, Philippa created a space that is often lacking in our daily lives and shrouded in shame. She gave voice to and provided a platform to talk about abusive relationships not only between men and women but also between parents and children, as well as the ways in which we may abuse ourselves.

In addition to Philippa’s presence, empathy and ability to talk about domestic violence, I was struck by her impact on the audience. In counselling we refer to what is called a “spontaneous revelation”, one of those “aha” moments when we have a realization or something makes sense. I witnessed people speaking out for the first time, becoming aware of their own behavior in relationships, and the beginning of their own healing journeys.

I wondered what the formula was for this profound experience. There were several elements: Increased knowledge, the opening of a dialogue to create awareness, the realization that there are options, the reception of the necessary tools, as well as connecting with others, receiving support and being heard.

I then realized that Philippa’s story and her ability to share her experiences create the possibility for recreating our narratives and offers hope through reclaiming personal power”.

Nicole Imerman,  Lifeline counselor and facilitator, South Africa

“Thank you Philippa for the remarkable work that was done with our staff at Tigerbrands. We were surprised by how well the information was received and clearly more women than we were aware of are struggling with the issue of domestic abuse. The problem was clearly under the corporate radar and human resources are also now more aware of the prevalence of domestic abuse. The staff report finding the content empowering and inspirational.”

Carol Lombard, HR Tiger Brands

“Thank you for the donation of books to our shelter. We have already structured support groups based on the book and the 6,500 women who go through our shelters each year will benefit enormously. Words cannot express our gratitude”.

Joy Lange, Director St Annes Home, Cape Town, South Africa

“The impact Philippa had on our patients was nothing short of amazing. She has a talent of engaging her audience in ways that can only be described as awe inspiring. Patients who rarely speak up responded to her.
Andi Waterson, therapist Papilon Psychiatric Facility
“Your talk broke through my denial and I was finally able to accept that I have been an emotionally abused woman for the past 25 years. Your skills and strategies are invaluable. I cannot thank you enough for you truly inspirational talk.”

Nicci Toys, Lifeline counselor

“Philippa, thank you for the riveting talk you gave to our organization and to the counselors who were also present. Our members cannot stop raving about your presentation. Your story is inspirational and your insights profound. You gave hope to victims of abuse and showed how they could become survivors. Please come back when you next visit South Africa.”

Bev Levy Executive Chair Union of Jewish Women of South Africa

                                                                  Some reviews from Amazon

By Victoria Dane on July 21, 2015     A remarkable book
“This is the first book I have read on abuse that has given “permission” to stay or leave but not to be the same. An inspirational concept”.

By I Robinson August 2, 2015             I recommend it to other women during times of need
“This is a remarkable book to have found during a bleak time in my life. It has helped me hugely. I recommend it to other women during times of need. Not all self help books help but this one did”.

By Joan Kaiser on August 2, 2015      This is a must read for all woman out there
“What a riveting book that is full of useful information. It’s important for everyone to understand the nature of an abusive relationship, and this book is beyond helpful. I highly recommend this book for both women and men to read”.

By Julie on August 16, 2015                  Could not put it down
“I could not put this book down – so wonderful to read, every woman should get a copy, so helpful in every way, it’s a must”.

By Melanie on August 25, 2015            What an enlightening book and would highly recommend
“Having listened to Philippa talk about her story I decided to read the book. What an enlightening book and would highly recommend it – a subject that would interest many people with a very different perspective on life through the eyes of a person who has lived through abusive relationships not once but thrice”.

By Deborah on August 26, 2015            This book is long overdue
“Finally a book that delves into emotional trauma that women go through when dealing with the men in their lives who get enjoyment out of mental cruelty, mind games and emotional blackmail which successfully seems to make the woman feel like she is crazy and everything is her fault when exactly the opposite is actually happening. So much food for thought and tools for how to cope with situations that before you felt where hopeless now gives one the knowledge with how to cope with a different mindset. Thank you from all those woman out there who live with someone like this and struggle on a daily basis with low self esteem for something that isn’t even their fault”.

By Y.M. on September 8, 2015               Through the eyes of an abusing husband
“This was an eye opener for me, as an abusing husband. For the first time, I could see through my wife’s eyes, how she was feeling.
Not only that, but I exchanged the concept of “the abused wife” to “the abused child who is now an adult man”, and the key opened the locked safe to what had happened to me as a child. So I started to understand WHY I do what I do now to my wife, and am able to take ownership of my dysfunctional behavior, and start healing myself”.

By Yonatan Ton September 27, 2015      A self-help book which is actually helpful!
“Not only eye-opening and enlightening, but make sure you have time to read it from cover to cover in one go – extremely hard to put down”!

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